It has been quite some time since I post jokes here. I knew that there’s some jokes lover here, so there you go, two jokes for today.

Escaped Prisoner

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers to his wife,

“Listen this guy’s an escaped convict – look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which the wife responds,
“He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too.”

Little Johnny

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, “Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and -” The mother held up her hand and said, “Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me.”
The father comes home and the wife tells him that she’s leaving him.
“But why?” croaks the husband.
“Go ahead, Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told me.” “Well,” said little Johnny, “I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob .

Some relevant posts you might be interested:

• Stairs
• Some Short Jokes
• Thumbdrive Bought From Conman